to get off this ridge. A few straggly horsemen. I felt I had shamed myself.

Are you ready to give up?Then I burst out laughing once again
Are you ready to give up?Then I burst out laughing once again. I remarked to Robert.Away from the senseless killing. blessed the town with a wave. while our nobles fought and bickered among themselves. shaking my head. And there was something that I missed from those days. humor. A sea of body parts. Men writhed on the ground. dressed up in ornate robes. I knew she valued it more than anything in her life. our liege lord's chatelain. how will you continue to pay your tax to the duke. trails more nerve wracking than the last. `Very well.A stirring rose in me. galloped over the bridge aboard his mule.You probably thought you were ridding the world of a complete madman. another survivor recounted.The other assailant rose and faced me. do not defame those who now fight for God's glory. Robert claimed to be sixteen. Brigit.!Son of Mary. cut through the rising peaks. A traveler is walking down a quiet road when he notices a sign scratched onto a tree: `Sisters of St. `Good enough. how will you continue to pay your tax to the duke.

. You better tell him. Jesus. Then. raped. and looked toward me. My body lit with her warmth. crowding the massive walls. I muttered Sophie's name as if in prayer. And the vermin had told me I was free.Suddenly the assault turned into a rout. gripping the sheer stone as huge rocks crashed around us. in full armor astride his large charger. Then. as if he were evaluating whether to leave me in the same condition as the Turk.Right in front of our eyes. I knew the stench.. so help me. Men and women hacked up like diseased stock. Mouse grumbled from behind. Each year I promised I would come back.Somehow they knew.We've got to get out of here. buckling to their knees. lofting some harmless arrows at us. I fixed on a face above the main gate. he stopped over me where I still lay and hovered. But instead of attacking Moslem horsemen streaking out.

brandishing a makeshift knife. Hundreds of men were gathered there..We spotted red crosses painted everywhere. All the cattle and oxen had been butchered; even the dogs had been eaten. right? taunted Mouse. Make way!We scattered off the trail and turned to see Guillaume. brandishing a long blade. Behind me.All along we were told that Peter's army was months ahead of us. praised for valor in battle. the truth seemed so clear. dropping them as they ran. Yet as he spoke. The holiest treasures of our faith.soldiers.I ran in the pack.I counted to thirty. You smell it. I turned to Robert with a sigh of relief.. When Alo broke the surface.Carrot-top here must be keen on the miller. To study the metal trade. I had come here to set myself free. Something from this moment that I would have for the rest of my life. the Pope's protection is worthless. I can't wait for my next sunflower. wasn't it? Or.

Nico's trick had worked. still carrying their tools. You are at risk. burst.Robert bolted ahead. I looked around. I traded for a gilded perfume box to take back home for Sophie. plopped atop a simple mule. All signs that Peter's army had been through. it seemed as if our glorious Crusade would end in Antioch..There were some early successes. his blade caught the glint of a torch.Good Lord . charged at me with a scream. only to be surrounded and chopped to bits.A knight pushed up the trail. Let him up. Hugh. or close my eyes. An eternity in Heaven at the feet of our grateful Lord. We're too few as it is. Rumor had it some holy relics were held ransom there. It is pledged and honor bound tohim.The longer Antioch survived. I could see in Sophie's eyes that she felt it too. He scanned our village from atop his mount and remarked loudly. so help me. just because you're first at the party doesn't mean you get to sleep with the mistress of the house.

I felt a hole in the pit of my stomach. In any case. They all shrieked. Norcross smiled. The Turks. Goodness. Oh.Up ahead. A sea of white tunics and red crosses. the poor mule toppled over the edge and fell into the void. I fought back tears. thank God. Sophie handed me my pouch. with some inlaid writing that I could not understand. Nor am I. with the help of a cohort. Where was Sophie?Norcross dismounted and the others did the same. A child could have seen it... I saw one defender cut in half by a mighty ax blow.Somewhere in the heights. Who knows what I might find there? There are tales of riches just for the taking.. your queen. was of treasure and glory. then fled into the hills like children hurling stones. I gently stroked her long blond hair..

lay in the column's path..I was able to grip the strap of the leather satchel slung over his shoulder. No reason to make one less.Knights took off their helmets and surveyed the city in awe. I saw the first ram approach the main gate. in full armor. leaving the wheel aloft and Alo's lifeless body suspended high. Norcross nodded. carrot-top? The glowering knight turned. Foot soldiers were hurling their lances up at the defenders. Men screamed and toppled over. It was a rough. Hugh. trails more nerve wracking than the last. and the rest of us trudged like beaten livestock in the blistering heat and bargained for what little food there was. but I was blocked by the Turk. Children ran out and danced around the approaching monk.If this is the Holy Land. were being held for ransom. My body lit with her warmth. which Nicodemus had taught me. leaving the wheel aloft and Alo's lifeless body suspended high. he winked at his men. two miles. I saw a horseman hurtling directly toward us at full speed. stuffing anything of value into their filthy robes. resembling his mount. endured so much-God's call resounding in their hearts-were cut down like grain in a field.

It had been my home for the past three years. I will be looking especially foryourtax payment. He nearly knocked men down as he trotted indifferently through our ranks. knowing that on the other side lay Antioch. I thought about what weapons were at my inn and how we could possibly fight these knights if we had to.Thirty yards out. Robert said behind me.Norcross strutted around the square.Go.There's one more thing.I heard voices outside. Freedom from all servitude upon your return. they recounted.Carrot-top here must be keen on the miller. I raised my sword.As I looked at my murderer. missing me by the width of a blade..Then the procession started up again. or close my eyes. A peddler with a cart was considered an event here. Now.Good Lord . and his brown robes had holes in them.Please . Men lined the shore. as another interminable valley loomed before our eyes. stepping over to the boy. I muttered.

Before this day I had never taken a life. I couldn't believe it.Twenty. then turned to face their charge. I took it down and stuffed it into my pouch.He nodded. Then he merely winked at me.It was a scabbard. He started to laugh himself. Wave after wave of frontal attacks only increased the death toll.The thought occurred. Clad in colorful. And Jean the smith. That is the blood of your useless Savior. an old Greek.Sophie sat up. waiting for the blade to fall? It did not occur to me to pray. unprotected-chopped to bits in their tents. my son.I pushed Robert through the smoke and dust in the direction of our ranks. Baldwin. A trace of a thin. Or the miller's wife. sounding almost disappointed. This time: `Convent.And there was Robert with his goose. I fear not. one nonbeliever to another. The signal was spread.

other visitors came through our town. had turned toward me. spilling blood. If one of our illustrious leaders hears you. Aim?e. he and the goose were great companions to us. All around us. But a little man in a homespun monk's robe. catcalls. Hugh? What could be more important than what we've just shared?I swallowed. the small group of men Robert and I had attached ourselves to began to thin. the traveler hurries through the door.' He empties his pockets excitedly.Please . stepping into the center of the square. Battle-thirsty men in tunics with red crosses lopped off heads and held them aloft as if they were treasure. They leave for the Holy Land in a few days.The boy's back was turned.. Wave after wave of frontal attacks only increased the death toll.At what I was dying for.What is it? Robert asked. the small group of men Robert and I had attached ourselves to began to thin.Peter's army has crushed the infidels. but I wasn't going there. his eyes horrifically wide. It was impossible to tell if they were Christian or Turk. A volley of arrows shot back from the towers in return.Arrows and stones and burning pitch rained down on us from all directions.

If it's martyrs you're looking for. One was Nicodemus. And my regiment. I said. a new hell awaited. an enclave of stone dwellings on the edge of a dense wood. Hugh? he asked with an eager smile. leaving the wheel aloft and Alo's lifeless body suspended high. Those that stopped to attend to them were engulfed in the same boiling liquid themselves.Thirty yards out. think of how our lives could change.Robert ran ahead to hurl one of the rocks toward the walls. Jesus. Do not compare the Pope's holy protection to yours. I could be cut down as soon as I stepped out on the street.Instead . Spoils and booty were being divvied up among the men. Robert seemed assured.THERE WERE FOOLS among us who believed that Antioch would fall in a day..We looked at each other for a long while.Guillaume's horse waded in. The irony was bursting through my sides.The boy's back was turned. The rest of us set out for there. I took another step. Professor. a soldier hushed him.And though they fell in love at that first sight.

They charged our ranks as if on a holy mission.For those who come.Norcross began to turn the wheel. carrot-top. his knights began to fan out through town. for a moment out of harm's way.In that instant I saw my helplessness. as Sophie and I lay in bed. he said.The three years we'd been married had been the happiest I had known.Don't worry. catcalls. I took it down and stuffed it into my pouch.Is this real? You're going to let me go? My fingers slowly relaxed from the priest's staff.Was this possible? Was it possible that in the midst of this carnage I had found a soul kindred to my own? I looked into his eyes: this beast that only a moment before was set to chop me in two.What did flash through my brain was the incredible irony of it all. Each summer. priest? He chuckled. howled in anguish. For a few moments. ? I repeated. carrot-top? The glowering knight turned. They were shouting. Hugh? Her eyes locked on mine. I have something important to talk to you about. and said. and to most of us. Barefoot. It was now eighteen months I'd been gone.

and blackened with grime and enemy blood? Would she still laugh at my jokes and tease me for my innocence after what I had seen and known? If I brought her a sunflower. I looked down..The troops along the riverbank burst into laughter. Then he sneered. That is the blood of your useless Savior. unprotected-chopped to bits in their tents. so we decided to enter the town.God wills this? I screamed. leaving the wheel aloft and Alo's lifeless body suspended high. Haven't I always been true to our lord.. Nico. redhead.As he spoke. I had to do something-even if it sealed my own fate.I savored every exotic image.I heard awful cries of death farther up the hill.I finally caught sight of Sophie. Hugh? he asked with an eager smile. In her clutched fist.Where you're headed. this old tomb was what we were fighting for. We continued to climb. `Go in peace. He's just a boy.. It is blasphemy. but his face was still as boyish and smooth as when he had first joined our ranks.

You'd better go. We can do anything we want. A mere stumble. I dreamed about Sophie every night.There was a ground-shaking rumble from the west. The Turks. though our new enemy became the blistering heat and thirst.There was a shriek.Then I heard a mule bray from behind. a mixture of ardor and tears. We pounced on him and hacked him bloody. cut through the rising peaks.A silence ensued. They swept toward us like hunters chasing a hare.The party of horsemen pulled to a stop in the square. I resumed.' Now his curiosity is piqued.Brigit. Carts.. Hugh? Nicodemus called out as we made our way along a particularly treacherous incline.In Caesarea. not Jerusalem. God can keep it. Well. a heralded fighter.. Guillaume's mount seemed to stumble. See how it saves you now.

Carrots too. N?mes. Aim?e. It could be anybody. crowding the massive walls. our tunics clean.. was swept screaming into vast crevices or dropped in his tracks by Serb or Magyar arrows a thousand miles before the first sign of a Turk.To my surprise. to pick sunflowers for you. their skin dark with blood and filth. with red crosses either painted or sewn onto plain tunics. Though I had seen many men fall.There were some early successes. we called him.. I said.I don't get it. Then he toppled forward. I couldn't wait to show it to Sophie! Back home. and who can blame him? We've marched a long way.But every summit we surmounted brought the sight of a new peak. an arrow piercing his throat so completely his hands gripped it on both sides. endured so much-God's call resounding in their hearts-were cut down like grain in a field.Gone.And the people. to ask God for the forgiveness of my sins. my fear left me. the farther away I felt from anything I knew.

The peril of the climb was broken by a few welcome laughs. as Sophie and I lay in bed. Hugh. though our new enemy became the blistering heat and thirst. I felt her thin body tremble in my arms.Each year when we returned. in formation. We were hailed as heroes and we had fought almost no one. Sophie said with a start. I did not know where I would go.Robert ran ahead to hurl one of the rocks toward the walls.In Caesarea. but never had I seen a place like this! Gold was like tin here.I WAS FREE. they were setting me free!If the Turk had not hesitated just a moment ago. Soon they were battering again at the gate. As I knelt beside him his eyes grew cloudy. Nico warned. The child appeared.The thought occurred. Except me.. I made one last prayer to Sophie.My Sophie.All along we were told that Peter's army was months ahead of us.Are there any believers here ?He was pale and long nosed. No great loss. You're not going to believe this. a new hell awaited.

with the help of a cohort. our burden had seemed bearable.At the same time. tell me. Well. dragging their armor. a heralded fighter. seemingly built into a solid mound of rock. he winked at his men. Then I hoisted Robert into the air. A peddler with a cart was considered an event here. I began to make my way slowly toward the square with my heart pounding. A relic already! Nico laughed. past the fires to the edge of the camp. A sea of white tunics and red crosses.I ran with my sword drawn and a loud cry.THAT TERRIBLE AFTERNOON changed my life.St.Until we were free. how will you continue to pay your tax to the duke. knocking him off his post and flush against the wall just as a sulfurous black wave engulfed his ram-mates. children. I was no hero.I knew it. Children playing ball in the square dived out of the way. There was a traitor inside Antioch. They swept toward us like hunters chasing a hare.What's going on? Robert looked around. They've gone ahead to Antioch.

Tafurs. and his brown robes had holes in them. I looked down. Norcross smiled..We gazed at each other with a sigh of relief. Just common men and women. literally roasting in their armor.The Bosporus .. lifeless. His small jaw hung open. Once-proud knights trudged humbly. They raised me as one of their own. A relic already! Nico laughed. The falling rocks must have spooked it.Norcross strutted around the square.But I know I ran.. Turks hacking at them. We'll throw in two bushels of carrots!I was about to go on-a joke. Are you ready. And..Finally.I was going to die. Hugh. And my legs stung from the spray of molten pitch. Guillaume turned around and waved.

She handed half to me. a fiery-eyed Turk. ready to leave.Before this day I had never taken a life.A year later.To my surprise. They threw both into the middle of the square. they ripped a bronze bracelet from her wrist and bludgeoned her lifeless. I stepped forward. my fear left me.I began to laugh.A silence ensued.Hugh. instead of turning to face his attacker. of relics and glory; the innocent of finally proving their worth.. wandering among burning buildings.When we charge. !The sword caught Robert just below the throat. Carts.But every summit we surmounted brought the sight of a new peak.Every instant.Norcross seemed delighted. piercing the Turk with my sword.I had to get out of here. bread to eat.Then a torch waved over the north tower. something.Norcross seemed delighted.

It could be anybody. Once-proud knights trudged humbly. like an eighth-moon. and she said that I probably had one in every town. we called him. This is the shroud of the whore who gave him life. his sword poised above my head. There would always be another Norcross. but where I'm headed a woman's comb may be looked at strangely.We looked at each other for a long while. From behind.. He nearly knocked men down as he trotted indifferently through our ranks. I dreamed about Sophie every night. But soon we understood it was not embarrassment but the weight of Guillaume's armor that was preventing him from pulling himself up.I threw my pouch over my shoulder and tried to drink in the last sight of her beautiful.We will. actually. and continues along. at the entrance..He wants a fight. while the fearful cleric did his best to defend himself with a rough wooden staff.I stared in horror at her bloody shape. You all understand the laws. I could mark them only by the sores oozing on my feet. She handed half to me.Then he lowered his head and puked his guts out on the field. Norman.

slowly depleting. A calm came over me.THE TURK'S SWORD hovered over me. No one had ever seen anything like it before. leaving eight dead and burning almost every house to the ground.' the abbess replies. A chance to change my destiny in a single stroke. he had the reputation of being a bit of a soothsayer too. Men and women hacked up like diseased stock. Are you taking notes?The raucous laughter continued for a time as we waited for the knight to emerge. Those that stopped to attend to them were engulfed in the same boiling liquid themselves. Jean the smith. forty.THE MORNING OF THE DAY I was to leave was bright and clear..I stood before her. On my word..Sharpen your knife. and thin. The boy was heartbroken.. all that I held true and good.In Caesarea.Even the men!I had traveled across Europe in my youth and had played most of the large cathedral towns.. And when our troops finally opened the gates in desperation. I will make you a map. Wave after wave of frontal attacks only increased the death toll.

I knew he would be able to interpret it. I peered into the bastard's black eyes. and I leaped upon him.. missing me by the width of a blade. the monk named Peter went on. one nonbeliever to another. Yet I was dying for this cause anyway. gaining hold. He would give up the city.A maiden met a wandering man.You are right .A hundred yards. Blood spurted from their faces. Along the way.Infidels unlucky enough not to be killed on the field of battle were handed to them like scraps to a dog. the captain promised. for Robert's sake. I could scarcely breathe myself. I could not hold it back. landing on what would have been his face. redhead. only to be overcome by the sheer numbers they faced. One was Nicodemus. Tafur. Oh. Nor am I. I screamed.Hugh.

People were running into the square. If there's fighting. stuffing his entrails into his mouth as he died. At the preciousfreedom I was about to be granted at last. searching for archers or pitch. jongleurs.. The Army of the Crusade. pinning the staff uselessly under his sandal. The traveler goes in and is greeted by another comely nun. a teasing rhyme:A maiden met a wandering manIn the light of the moon's pure cheer. Sophie. looting. horrified.I was right.As he spoke. I continued to hack at him. I was sure.The troops along the riverbank burst into laughter. pulling along the animal behind it to which it was tied. It had belonged to her mother. All the cattle and oxen had been butchered; even the dogs had been eaten. Her tinkling little-girl laugh. and the mood in the ranks brightened with anticipation of what lay ahead. I did not. A golden cross. just go through that door.I am finally free. had to be dragged single file up the steep way.

Hugh? Her eyes locked on mine.And the thirst. In the next breath I was on the ground. we passed through Veille du P?re. they ripped a bronze bracelet from her wrist and bludgeoned her lifeless. I felt connected for the first time in my life.Our catapults flung giant missiles of fiery rock. Hugh.She nodded.We've got to get out of here. come quick. I love you. insisted that the scouts and maps suggested a point to the south. of such chilling proportion that we thought we had entered a valley of demons. then pointed east. heavy rocks and fiery arrows rained down on us.He nodded. the nobles urged. Word has reached him that a rabble passed through here a day ago. clattering across the church's floor. I took it down and stuffed it into my pouch. she whispered. We were here!A jubilant roar went up. and blackened with grime and enemy blood? Would she still laugh at my jokes and tease me for my innocence after what I had seen and known? If I brought her a sunflower. consumed with grief and rage. He fell from the horse. A Seljuk horde of thousands surrounded the city and simply waited them out. I was a different man. someone said.

They had recently taken Nicaea. `Go in peace. I was prepared to say anything. Raymond of Toulouse is forming an army. Can't it wait.I'm dreaming . screaming. mock waving.The trail we walked was flat and manageable. a new hell awaited. Alo went under. their skin dark with blood and filth. but the mule bucked again and stumbled.. ready to leave. or I could live for years. That is the blood of your useless Savior. I know the same sobering thought pounded through each of our minds. past Robert and Nico. gripping the sheer stone as huge rocks crashed around us. many from the ranks called out loudly... Nicodemus glanced at me. in full armor astride his large charger. The Turk let out a chilling howl.now . Turk warriors made forays outside the city walls. Children ran out and danced around the approaching monk.

lightweight cottons and silks. neatly fitting it back into a whole. To see Sophie once more. Nico warned.Hold your tears.Constantinople.Knights took off their helmets and surveyed the city in awe. my legs seemed ready to comply. the water was still no higher than the horse's ankles. weapons and packs were laid down.. insisted that the scouts and maps suggested a point to the south. we joined forces with Count Robert of Flanders and Bohemond of Antioch. Buildings were torched. we constructed enormous siege engines. At first we were glad to leave the inferno behind. as Sophie and I lay in bed. Robert among them. dressed up in ornate robes. dozens of turbaned riders flashing long. I heard Sophie scream. For what end?Why did you spare me? I looked into the Turk's dull. A slide of rock and gravel hurtled down at us. Hugh. It may be cold. In any case. But most of all. whatever dream of freedom or wealth had brought me here. She handed half to me.

bread to eat. Men fell. Or any of us. It may be cold. Heads severed and gawking. Then the devils moved on to us. knight. !The sword caught Robert just below the throat. just sixteen. We continued to climb. still eyes. and blackened with grime and enemy blood? Would she still laugh at my jokes and tease me for my innocence after what I had seen and known? If I brought her a sunflower. more horsemen stormed out from the gates. the size of two men. Men writhed on the ground. his sword poised for attack. In Antioch. anything that came into my head-when one of the henchmen rushed up to me. Each year I promised I would come back. We were told to ride east until the smell of shit.It was only with Sophie that I felt truly free. our burden had seemed bearable.Go where ? There was something in his face. the impact shaking my entire body. Roman ruins and temples. I said to him. come quick. for Robert's sake. Even us.

bread to eat. Rumor had it some holy relics were held ransom there. From above. The pious among us dreamed of their holy mission; the nobles.I blinked in amazement. brandishing a long blade. fortune-all that left me as if it had never been there.I placed the scabbard in my pouch. thin as a pole. Robert took his place. No reason to make one less. or the only Turkish blood you'll see will be at the end of a mop. Now that was just a mocking refrain in my dreams.IT HAPPENED JUST THAT WAY nearly every day. the mighty fortress gate opened. Robert said as we marched.March. I muttered Sophie's name as if in prayer.Those we captured were sometimes handed over to a fearsome group of Frank warriors called Tafurs. They're coming! They're almost here!From the east. Baldwin. It was a slaughter.. they taught me how to perform. Then she held her half out and we touched the jagged edges together. Free!I started to laugh once more. I squinted through the trees and felt my jaw drop. I held her by the waist and she moved on top of me. We pulled back two miles.

the captain promised.. Many felt the nobles had themselves a meal at Robert's expense. What do you say. We stood in our tracks and scanned the hills. I swiped a sunflower and went up to her.. In the open. They swept down on our fleeing troops and hacked them where they stood. As he charged. We were heading down. clattering to the ground.At last we stood in the land of the dreaded Turk!The first fortresses we encountered were empty and abandoned. towns scorched and plundered dry. Battle-thirsty men in tunics with red crosses lopped off heads and held them aloft as if they were treasure. When we hit the mountains. Different from a moment ago. he boasted. I muttered Sophie's name as if in prayer. Other soldiers who had reached the rocks crossed themselves. then fight for the glory of your liege when called upon. he said.The despicable knight laughed at our priest.Arrows and stones and burning pitch rained down on us from all directions.. side by side. not some trumped-up duke or king in crested mail and armor sitting imperiously atop a massive charger. God wills thismurder ?I HAD NO SOONER STEPPED INSIDE the dark. Freedom from all servitude upon your return.

I said. This attacker was a bear of a man with massive arms nearly twice the size of mine.Where you're headed.He wants a fight. I had promised Sophie. It almost seemed funny to me: this. Riches and spoils picked up along the way. I handed him a stick that would be good for walking. Whatever I thought I was fighting for. For whatever the reason. ? The Turk seemed to sigh. I wanted to say. amused. God wills it. My body lit with her warmth. Something my life in Veille du P?re had stilled but not completely put aside.OUR POWERLESSNESS WAS SO OBVIOUS it was shameful to me. though our new enemy became the blistering heat and thirst. You see those hills over there? I pointed across the channel. For the first time. knowing that on the other side lay Antioch. We'd touched souls. Where the hell are we. glinting through the haze. Sophie. my sword flew out of my hands. All I wanted was to get off this ridge. A few straggly horsemen. I felt I had shamed myself.